“I Wish I Had"
{Furniture Item, Text & Letterpress Installation}
Mikey and I studied archeology together at the University of Sheffield, UK, in the 1990s. We were adventurers and explorers and spent many a car ride
exploring castles and Roman villas.
Other than loving archeology, Mike was an avid football (soccer) fan and took me to my only ever football match at the Stadium of Light in Sunderland. Many a time he expressed his wish to be with me and to be more than my friend ... I never took up his kind offers of affection. Even though he was older than me ... his actual age was never disclosed to me. Many years after Graduation we were still friends, and the day came for me and other mutual friends to help him move home ... he wanted to return to his roots in the North-East of England.
His house was full of pagan paraphernalia and Indigenous American art and décor ... his other true loves. And then there was this chair ... made by his grandfather, a cabinet maker, and sitting lowly in his kitchen staring at me every time I would visit. I loved that chair and managed to convince him to give it to me during his move. So, instead of moving with him to the North East, it came home with me. Time went by and we didn't stay in touch as much. I planned to make a visit, but I was now married and had another life and never got around to it.
A couple of years later Mikey died. He fell down the stairs in the presence of a woman who turned out to be his actual wife, the wife we never knew he had. The coroner ruled it to be an ‘accidental death’. Mike was laid to rest in a woodland burial, but a snowstorm prevented me and many of his friends getting to the funeral ceremony. He was in his 50s or his 60s (we never knew) and all of us thought
we would have more time.
I think of him fondly and have many happy memories of Mikey. But I also have regrets. All I have now is this beautiful red chair of his and my “I wish I hads”.
When I moved to America 9 years ago the chair went into my dad's garage in the UK. It was locked away for all this time, discarded in the corner, mustering in the damp along with his unrequited love and my complicated grief ...
Last year, I went to the garage and said ‘hello’ to the chair and promised Mikey I would unlock my grief and bring it into the light once again. Two months ago, Mike’s chair made it here across the pond. He always wanted to come to America. He would be so ‘chuffed’!
His story reminds me not to take the people in my life for granted, not to delay that call, that meeting up, that expression of thanks …I don’t want to be left with more regrets as my friends and family all leave my life, one by one…
For now, relating to Mikey, I still carry the “I wish I hads” but I'm finally reunited with my Mikey through his chair.
Items passed down help us remember those that are no longer here. It is we that imbue meaning onto them. It is often not the item itself that is precious but that it serves as a reminder of our love and connection and fully humanness. One day, when I’m gone, it will end up in a thrift store somewhere in America and whoever buys it will never know its story or its meaning. Like all of our items it will take on new meanings and have new owners.
For now I will treasure it, as I wish I had treasured him.